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I know that the past few years have been a struggle and I understand how heartbroken you feel sometimes from your destructive thoughts that keep flowing… I know you’ve been living for years in a battle between the most important person in the world, which is you. You have prayed to wake up in a different body, sought therapy and harmed yourself with all the body wraps, the painful fat freezing treatments and all those fat burning pills that made you physically sick. I know you’re sick and tired of spending all that money on those fat burning products, body shapers and loose clothes.
I am here today to ease your pain and tell you that I’ve been there. I know what it’s like to feel like disappearing because you’re so fed up with yourself, to cry from your own emotional abuse and to isolate yourself from the world because spending time with one person (YOU) alone seems suffocating and unbearable, which makes you so frustrated and angry.
The agony is too much and I’m here to tell you the solution is so, very simple;
Love yourself and be confident. Now before you flush this letter down the toilet or slash my tyres, hear me out.
I know you heard this a lot… And I know that you and I are both aware that you deserve to cry from laughter daily, to have a huge smile on your soul and to walk tall with confidence.
This will NEVER happen till YOU make a decision NOW to be kind to yourself and to love every cell of your body from the core of your heart. Remember we live in a world where everything is fake or filtered, you’re not, and that’s what makes you naturally stunning and incredibly breath taking. Don’t allow society’s beauty standards to get to you, because you are a strong woman who has her own voice and opinion.
Don’t listen to anybody like you usually do and don’t allow anyone, including yourself, to do anything but LOVE on YOU. I want you to acknowledge and remind yourself daily of how worthy you are. You are NOT defined by some Instagram body goals picture or anything similar. Purge yourself with content and understand that you can never be happy with someone else if you don’t enjoy the time you spend with yourself.
You have to value yourself enough to the point that a few extra pounds don’t shake you. The only opinion that matters is the reflection you see when you look in the mirror, because that’s who you’re spending the rest of your life with. This is one hell of a long journey, but don’t you dare give up!
Trust me, when you reach that victorious, invincible and empowering position, the last stage, that’s when new thoughts, feelings and beliefs will be created and become habitual. Nothing and no one will have the power to take that away from you, and that’s how you become legendary.
Lots of love,
Your Higher Self
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Out with the old and in with the new is how the saying goes, but how can this be applied to oneself? A new year means new beginnings and fresh starts, but also a time for reflection on past events. Consider the following points:
- What went well over the past year?
- Any memorable moments?
- What times could we do with forgetting?
- Do we have regrets?
- Have we lost loved ones?
- Ended or begun new relationships?
- Changed careers/lost or started a new job?
There is so much to reflect on outside of ourselves that when it comes to thinking about what we actually want and how we have developed as people over the past year its often overlooked. Other things take precedence and we carry on living, working, existing day to day. How many of us stop to take time and reflect on the present. To appreciate what we do have and share our gratitude. Can we learn from past mistakes and let go of disappointments and regret? Do we dare to liberate ourselves from the inner critic that is ever present within us just waiting for us to lose hope and belittle us some more.
What we need is compassion and to forgive ourselves, not succumb to the pressure of negativity and reach out for support when we need it. One of the most courageous things we will ever do is to face our fears, acknowledge our reality and embrace change if thats what it takes to become the best version of ourselves.
With everything going on in our lives it’s important to make time for reflection. Consider the past years events- take what you need to move forwards and let go of what holds you back. Think carefully about what it is that YOU want in life and don’t short change yourself. With the right mindset anything is possible.
Just remember to take care of yourself along the way because when you take time to replenish your own spirit you have that much more to give others in need. Be the best person to yourself first and foremost and then to others.
Peace and good will to all.
This is a topic that many people shy away from and feel uncomfortable talking about for various reasons. For some it’s a painful reminder of something someone they love may have committed. For others it’s a topic that leaves little space for discussion as often there are more questions than answers for those left behind. The truth of the matter is that we just don’t understand it and don’t know what to say when trying to console people affected by this.
That does not mean that we should avoid, ignore or desist from trying to learn, understand and educate ourselves about this serious matter. Taking one’s own life is not an easy thing to do, in fact the survival instinct built into each one of us often makes it the most difficult thing to act on. In order to better understand this it is important to dispel some common myths, such as “The people who talk about it don’t do it. “ Research has shown that in a high proportion of cases, people did things in the weeks prior to their death to show others how distressed or in despair they felt. So if you know anybody expressing such feelings or talking about feeling suicidal they may need immediate attention, help and support. What often starts out as a cry for help can develop into more serious mental health issues so its essential people are offered appropriate support as they need it. We are all unique individuals and as such each of us have different ways of coping in life. For some life can be become so overwhelmingly difficult that their ability to cope and resilience is overshadowed by their pain and suffering.
Another myth is “If a someone is going to kill themselves, nothing can stop them.” What the person wants is for the pain and suffering to end, part of them wants to live but the other part wants the pain to go away. With the right love, support, care and help from others at the time it’s most needed many do not act on their impulses. If you know somebody expressing feelings of a suicidal nature- Be present, listen and really hear what they are saying. Don’t rush in with advice or feel you have to ‘say the right thing’ there is no set way to respond, as long as you show in your voice, body and tone attentiveness, warmth, care and understanding that will be conveyed to the person and they will feel your support without words. They will have chosen you to confide in because they trust you and feel safe with you. No matter how negative the person feels the fact they are choosing to talk about it is a positive thing and it releases some of the pain. We need to be willing to offer help sooner rather than later. If however the person is acutely suicidal then do not leave them alone unsupervised, stay with them and seek professional help.
To help identify when a person may feel suicidal see the warning signs list below courtesy of https://www.metanoia.org/suicide/whattodo.htm
Conditions associated with increased risk of suicide
- Death or terminal illness of relative or friend.
- Divorce, separation, broken relationship, stress on family.
- Loss of health (real or imaginary).
- Loss of job, home, money, status, self-esteem, personal security.
- Alcohol or drug abuse.
- In the young depression may be masked by hyperactivity or acting out behaviour. In the elderly it may be incorrectly attributed to the natural effects of aging. Depression that seems to quickly disappear for no apparent reason is cause for concern. The early stages of recovery from depression can be a high risk period. Recent studies have associated anxiety disorders with increased risk for attempted suicide.
Emotional and behavioural changes associated with suicide
- Overwhelming Pain: pain that threatens to exceed the person’s pain coping capacities. Suicidal feelings are often the result of longstanding problems that have been exacerbated by recent precipitating events. The precipitating factors may be new pain or the loss of pain coping resources.
- Hopelessness: the feeling that the pain will continue or get worse; things will never get better.
- Powerlessness: the feeling that one’s resources for reducing pain are exhausted.
- Feelings of worthlessness, shame, guilt, self-hatred, no one cares. Fears of losing control, harming self or others.
- Personality becomes sad, withdrawn, tired, apathetic, anxious, irritable, or prone to angry outbursts.
- Declining performance in school, work, or other activities. (Occasionally the reverse: someone who volunteers for extra duties because they need to fill up their time.)
- Social isolation; or association with a group that has different moral standards than those of the family.
- Declining interest in sex, friends, or activities previously enjoyed.
- Neglect of personal welfare, deteriorating physical appearance.
- Alterations in either direction in sleeping or eating habits.
- (Particularly in the elderly) Self-starvation, dietary mismanagement, disobeying medical instructions.
- Difficult times: holidays, anniversaries, and the first week after discharge from a hospital; just before and after diagnosis of a major illness; just before and during disciplinary proceedings. Undocumented status adds to the stress of a crisis.
- Previous suicide attempts, mini-attempts.
- Explicit statements of suicidal ideation or feelings.
- Development of suicidal plan, acquiring the means, rehearsal behaviour, setting a time for the attempt.
- Self-inflicted injuries, such as cuts, burns, or head banging.
- Reckless behaviour. (Besides suicide, other leading causes of death among young people are accidents, drug overdose, and AIDS.) Unexplained accidents among children and the elderly.
- Making out a will or giving away favourite possessions.
- Inappropriately saying goodbye.
- Verbal behaviour that is ambiguous or indirect: I’m going away on a real long trip., You won’t have to worry about me anymore., I want to go to sleep and never wake up., I’m so depressed, I just can’t go on., Does God punish suicides?, Voices are telling me to do bad things., requests for euthanasia information, inappropriate joking, stories or essays on morbid themes.
What You Can Do To Help
- Be yourself. The right words are unimportant. If you are concerned, your voice and manner will show it.
- Let the person unload despair, ventilate anger. If given an opportunity to do this, he or she will feel better by the end.
- Be sympathetic, non-judgmental, patient, calm, accepting. The person has done the right thing by getting in touch with another person.
- If the person is saying I’m so depressed, I can’t go on, ask ‘The Question’ :Are you having thoughts of suicide? You are not putting ideas in their head, you are doing a good thing for them. You are showing that you are concerned, that you take them seriously, that it is OK for him to share his pain with you.
- If the answer is yes, you can begin asking a series of further questions: Have you thought about how you would do it (PLAN); Have you got what you need (MEANS); Have you thought about when you would do it (TIME SET). 95% of all suicidal people will answer no at some point in this series or indicate that the time is set for some date in the future. This will be a relief for both of you.
- Simply talking about their problems for a length of time will give suicidal people relief from loneliness and pent up feelings, awareness that another person cares, and a feeling of being understood. They also get tired — their body chemistry changes. These things take the edge off their agitated state and help them get through a bad night.
- Avoid arguments, problem solving, advice giving, quick referrals, belittling and making the caller feel that has to justify his suicidal feelings. It is not how bad the problem is, but how badly its hurting the person who has it.
- If the person is ingesting drugs, get the details (what, how much, alcohol, other medications, last meal, general health) and call for emergency services for medical advice and help.
The most important pain-coping resource is the help of a trained mental health professional. A person who feels suicidal should get help, and get it sooner rather than later. Also seek medical advice from a GP. If you are struggling with this issue you can use the list below to access support.
Helplines and support groups (listed on http://www.nhs.uk)
- Samaritans (116 123) operates a 24-hour service available every day of the year. If you prefer to write down how you’re feeling, or if you’re worried about being overheard on the phone, you can email Samaritans at email@example.com.
- Childline (0800 1111) runs a helpline for children and young people in the UK. Calls are free and the number won’t show up on your phone bill.
- PAPYRUS (0800 068 41 41) is a voluntary organisation supporting teenagers and young adults who are feeling suicidal.
- Depression Alliance is a charity for people with depression. It doesn’t have a helpline, but offers a wide range of useful resources and links to other relevant information.
- Students Against Depression is a website for students who are depressed, have a low mood or are having suicidal thoughts.
- Bullying UK is a website for both children and adults affected by bullying.
- Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM)is an excellent resource for young men who are feeling unhappy. As well as their website, CALM also has a helpline (0800 58 58 58).
Talking to someone you trust
If you don’t want to speak to someone on a helpline, you could talk to:
- a member of your family, a friend or someone you trust, such as a teacher
- your GP, a mental healthcare professional or another healthcare professional
- a minister, priest or other type of faith leader
Seeing your GP
Your GP may be able to help you with access to talking therapies. Talking therapies, such as counselling and cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), are often used to help people who have suicidal thoughts and usually involve talking about your feelings with a professional.
Helping your child
If you are concerned your child may be feeling suicidal or is self-harming, the following advice may help:
- notice when they seem upset, withdrawn or irritable
- encourage them to talk about their worries, listen to them and help them find their own solutions
- keep all medicines locked away, including painkillers such as paracetamol
- suggest your child talks to their GP or a counsellor about how they feel.
Use the contact form below if you need any help or support around this.
It can mean different things to different people, so for the purposes of this article I will offer the dictionary definition:
“Consciousness is the state of being aware of and responsive to one’s surroundings.”
This means that we use our sensory perception to know and recognise things. Our sight, smell, and touch all work together when we are consciously aware. In effect we all have two parts to ourselves the conscious and the unconscious self. So if being conscious means being aware, the opposite would be true when describing the word ‘unconscious’, not being aware.
To highlight this point lets explore a learning theory. Basically when we study or learn new skills we go through the following 4 stages of learning:
1. unconscious incompetence
2. conscious incompetence
3. conscious competence
4. unconscious competence
So an example we can use to illustrate the above in simple terms could be as follows.
A learner driver has Unconscious Incompetence when taking their first lesson as they do not know how to drive having never driven before.
After a few lessons they move to the Conscious incompetence stage- they realise or are conscious of how little they know as they continue to learn and practice driving.
Nearer to the time of their driving test after many lessons they become consciously competent as they have learned the skill of driving but are not fully aware of their ability hoping that they are skilled enough to pass their driving test.
Lets say this person then goes on to pass their driving test and has been driving for a few months- they move into the unconscious competence level. This is where they become so competent they no longer have to think about what they are doing when driving as it becomes second nature. The term ‘autopilot’ comes to mind. Have you ever got in to your car to go somewhere and arrived quickly without realising how you got there? Thats the brain performing at an unconsciously competent level allowing your conscious brain to attend to more pressing thoughts and leaving the body and unconscious mind to do the driving.
People can become conscious of unconscious things. For instance in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder the brain has a habit of pattern matching- it puts together sensory evidence of the original trauma. So if during the original trauma eg. Being mugged- a car had been driving past at the time beeping its horn or a cat had been mewing in the background then in the event of these things occurring again at a later date a person suffering with PTSD could find that each time those sensory things are present they act as a trigger and can cause them to become traumatised again. This is because the brain pattern matched the original trauma to the current day event due to the similarities in sensory evidence between both events creating anxiety and triggering the flight or fight mechanism.
This in turn heightens the anxiety and can cause a physical reaction as well as have a psychological and emotional impact. Constantly living in the fight or flight mode is exhausting for anybody and it is in understanding how this works and why we are stuck in these patterns that will eventually free us to change our patterns of behaviour and think/act differently in the moment.
The past does not have to define our future but in some cases it can and does. It is our conscious mind that collects good and bad habits as we repeat them over time. Conditioning our brains to act, think and behave in certain ways. These things can be changed with conscious effort, time and awareness. Being mindful is one way of challenging our negative processes. Mindfulness is attentive practice and it can help if we engage in at least 10 minutes daily mindfulness practice which is to sit and reflect on the day and be here and now in the present.
Being mindful is about teaching your subconscious how to function. Try practicing being present and mindful for just 30 seconds. Focus on what you are doing in this present moment-notice with all of your senses of sight, smell, hearing and touch the moment you are in right now- really focus on the present and notice your breathing. What do you see, smell, hear? How do you feel?
The truth is that you cannot be constantly mindful or present that is difficult but you can have flashes and moments of it. Be mindful of your present task, think of thoughts as a dandelion – once blown they scatter in the wind blowing around silently in the background. To be mindful you could choose one of those flying pieces (thoughts) to focus on and be mindful about.
So moving forwards how do you get motivated in a moment?
Well there are five specific questions that you can apply to any scenario in order to plan ahead:
1. What would you like to have happen in your life?
2. What would need to happen for those things to be achieved?
3. Is there anything else that needs to happen?
4. Can you do what needs to happen?
5. Will you do what needs to happen?
Activities like this can help you get un-stuck and move ahead in life.
Diseases can manifest at two levels within our heart. The more commonly attributed diseases cause a malfunction within the physical muscle and ailments often require medical intervention. I am not a doctor. The diseases that I am concerned with cause malfunction at a non-tangible level; within our spiritual heart.
I believe that all humans have a natural inclination to do good, and it’s when we go against this nature that we cause ourselves emotional and psychological distress. How we do this is by lying cheating, stealing, backbiting and causing upset to others. It hurts our soul and can create sickness in the spiritual heart. This can cause us to feel uneasy and not at peace with ourselves. Often such feelings can overwhelm us and develop into psychological conditions including stress, anxiety and depression.
The ‘7 deadly sins’. Everybody can relate to these and each one can cause physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual distress to individuals engaging in them. Lets examine each one in relation to the self:
- 1 Gluttony-excess in eating and drinking/overconsumption
What is your vice? Chocolate? Cigarettes? Drugs? Food? Alcohol? We all have something in this we can relate to, examine what your vice of choice is and how it impacts on your life.
- 2 Lust, fornication-to have an intense desire or need sexually and act on it. Adultery, infidelity, unfaithfulness.
We live in a culture of here and now- instant gratification of desires, how does this impact on your life? How has it affected your personal relationships?
- 3 Avarice/greed– overindulging with a continual lust for more, financial miserliness and hoarding. Excessive or reprehensible acquisitiveness.
Why is it that no matter how much we have we always want more? We live in a materialistic world and the consumer industry is constantly bombarding us with adverts showing us what we dont have and what we could own… for a price. How does this affect your life? Are you a slave to your whims?
- 4 Pride, hubris– quality or state of being proud – inordinate self esteem
This is not the pride that one takes in themselves for achievements made through great personal sacrifice but a pride that is boastful, arrogant and makes one feel superior to others. Can you relate to this in any way? Have you been around such a person, if so how did it make you feel? Have you presented this way towards others- if so how did others react to you?
- 5 Sloth-disinclined to activity or exertion: not energetic or vigorous
Are you active, or do you suffer with low mood and low energy? What is causing this? health issues/personal circumstances/ habits/ lifestyle choices? How can it be improved?
- 6 Wrath- strong vengeful anger or indignation
It takes so much more energy to hate than to love. The power of hate can eat into a soul and destroy it like a fire through crackling wood. Granted nobody likes everybody. However it is when we are wronged that we become angry/hurt and may lash out and hate back. Forgiveness doesn’t excuse their behaviour, but it does prevent their behaviour from destroying your heart.
- 7 Envy – painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage
Have you ever wanted something that belongs to somebody else? Wished it away from them or harboured ill feelings towards them because of it? How has this impacted on your life? Have you been the victim of another persons envy? How did that feel?
Looking at the list above many can identify at least one ‘sin’ they have engaged in and as humans we are not perfect, we have all ‘sinned’ at one point or another. Interestingly if you were to take each of the above points and reverse them with the opposite meaning. For example Gluttony would be replaced with eating and living healthily, this would appear to have more beneficial effects on the human condition. Each has its place in the world just as there is darkness there is light, but its how we manage them that counts. Everybody has the capacity to do great good and great evil, its the free will with which we decide to act that makes the difference between good and bad. Ultimately we are all responsible and accountable for our own actions. In keeping with this we can also have a great influence over one another to promote or de-value things in life. It’s all a matter of perspective and how we choose to interpret matters.
So who’s version of ‘normal’ is acceptable and where do we draw the line when it comes to morals and values? Is it as simple as saying one thing is right and the other wrong just to create a level of order in society? Or is the prism of life so vast in colour that there is no real way to classify things? Culture, faith and upbringing all play a part and are factors in determining how we view ourselves and others. However it is the relationship we have with ourselves that matters the most.
How do you view yourself, what are your morals and values, and are you happy with who you are? Therapy can support you to explore these questions and help you to uncover your authentic self, so just open your mind to the possiblity of change and seek the support you need.
Please share your thoughts and comments on this post below or if you wish to book a session with me use the ‘contact us’ page.
Did you know that upon first meeting a person you form a judgment of them within the first 30 seconds? This means that first impressions are important, particularly for job interview situations. However when discussing body language it is important to recognise the person as a whole and take into account the environment and situation. There are also various types of signs such as:
- The voice (tone, rhythm, volume)
- Mimicry (Everything that occurs on the face)
- The pose (posture)
- The gestures (body language)
- The distance (remoteness between people)
- Social Signs (clothing and cosmetics)
- The Skin (physical contact)
- Automatic signs (Physiological reactions)
According to research only 7% of human communication is verbal. 93% of what we communicate with others is nonverbal. How amazing is that? Mastering the art of reading body langauge can be powerfully insightful and increase your awareness of self and others in an exponential way. Every moment you spend with others can be valuable whether thats in a business meeting, socially with freinds and family or around strangers in social functions. Every moment you spend with others can be enriching.
Before I go any further though I must explain that body lagnauge can often be complex and easily misunderstood, so please read this with an open mind bearing in mind cultural differences. For instance in the Middle East there is great cultural significance to who walks through a door first- it denotes power, status and importance to be the first through the door. This is not necessarily the case in other parts of the world. Also factor in the context of the situation. Dr. Paul Eckman studied whether there were universal expressions that crossed cultural boundaries. He found that there are 7 universal facial expressions:
- 1) Happiness, 2) Sadness, 3) Anger, 4) Fear, 5) Surprise, 6) Contempt, 7) Disgust. Micro-expressions come out quickly before we have time to think about them. Body language and voice tone have a large impact on how well one communicates. The higher one’s voice, the less credibility one has. Whenever there is a conflict between words and body language, believe the body language!
- If a person has their ankles crossed whilst sitting on a chair they may be frustrated and your arguments will not be considered on this occasion.
- An extrovert pose sitting with arms open stretched across two chairs and leaning back indicates a confident person who knows what they want and are ready for anything.
- Nail biting indicates confusion or anxiety.
- Clenching fists indicates latent aggression
- Biting on the upper or lower lip indicates a lack of control
- When a person puts their hand over their face when talking this indicates they may be lying or dishonest in what they are saying.
- Eyes moving side to side and not maintaining eye contact are also signs of dishonesty when in conversation.
So to quote some of the sources I have researched on the topic here are a fair few pointers…
- Walking speed sends out messages about power. The slower the walk the more internal dialogue, as a rule of thumb, and the faster the walk the more confident the person is.
- A pat on the back is a way to demonstrate power.
- When world leaders get together, they know that the opportunity to demonstrate dominance is the “handshake photo opp.”
- Having the “upper hand” implies dominance. Grabbing by the elbow can show who is the leader.
- Hands behind the back indicate a person has nothing to hide.
- A self-touch gesture says, “Here we go. I can get through this.”
- When a person makes a definitive statement, and then retreats or backs away, it is likely that what they have just said is false.
- The “arm-cross” shows protection/defence.
- To unlock the secrets of body language, experts rely on an analytical system called “norming.” Norming analyzes body language in contrast to how a person responds normally to situations.
- It is believed that if people can see your eyes, they can also see your soul.
- One’s back is slightly hunched over when one feels threatened. Confidence causes one’s chest to stick out. Posture is important!
- When giving speeches, politicians wave hello to individuals. This gives the impression that they know a lot of people.
- Good salespeople smile. People buy products based on how they feel about the salespeople.
- Body language should not be considered in isolation.
- Gesturing on the beat as one speaks is the mark of a good speaker.
- Reading body language is an extremely important part of law enforcement. If you can recognize a threat, you can counteract it.
- Your pupils automatically dilate when you see something you like, this can be food, another person or an object you desire.
- A firm handshake with your hand above the other persons indicates power.
- Open arms indicate a confident, constructive attitude whilst crossed arms show defence and are off putting.
- Stand tall with your legs slighty apart to command power and respect, even if you are short you can indicate power like this and walk with purpose.